


Realign

by pikaflute



Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26761108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikaflute/pseuds/pikaflute
Summary: How hard is it to keep in mind that life isn't ending?How long will this one stay?(Don't wanna hear about it, don't need to know about it)How long does this go on and on and on and on?In the nine months preceding Charles' death: Dethklok discovers the most brutal feeling of all. Grief.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Realign

**Author's Note:**

> Title and all chapter titles are from the album Realign from Red Vox. It's not only fitting my gimmick it also gets you all to listen to a really fucking good album and a band i like. Stream Vinny Vinesauce.  
> Also don't expect a regular upload schedule with this fic i have what the call in the business "school" and "mental problems"

_So tell me, tell me, why can't this be easy?  
I've heard it once, I've heard it all before  
So settle down, relax yourself completely  
You can't get down if you're always in control_

Five months.

It’s been about five months since Toki has seen his manager. Five months since that record party that burned down half of their home and that assassin dude who tried to kill him and Skwisgaar: killed their manager. Toki doesn’t remember anything clearly after Nathan carried him down the ladder from the roof of Mordhaus, the events all blend together. After the funeral they had, he regrets getting drunk that night.

Speaking of the funeral, after that day, Toki has noticed his band has started to change. Charles was close to each and every one of them, he was the reason they were still together. The reason they were still Dethklok. The band has always been bad at appreciating that, and with the whole not caring business, but Toki knows that deep down they all cared in their own weird brutal way.

Coincidentally, ever since that day as well, five months ago, Toki has had a burning ache in his chest. He guesses it’s from grief, but he knows he’s already come to terms with Charles death already. He misses the man dearly, but death is not a foreign concept to him at this point, especially when death seems to follow him wherever he goes. His chest aches when he thinks about something like that.

Toki decided he would stop feeling sorry for himself a while ago, he doesn’t get why his bandmates can’t do the same. Aren’t they supposed to be the brutal ones? Toki feels his chest ache harder, and decided he needs to leave his room. Maybe the fresh air in the living room will help.

* * *

The rare times that Toki sees his band is if they gather in the living room (or what’s left of it anyway). Toki goes there more often than not. It beats being his room alone with his thoughts, and the constant drilling they’ve been doing for the past week right next to his room.

Pickles is usually there. After the funeral, Pickles has been shouldering some of the managerial work that the Gears haven’t already taken. Charles was always busy with it, and Pickles is no exception. Pickles has also been trying (albeit with little success) to get the less open members of Dethklok out of their rooms and trying to talk to all of them (if they’re ever willing to listen that is) and help them through this whole painful time. He’s been doing so much for Dethklok recently. Toki wonders why.

Murderface comes sometimes. Toki knows him and Charles weren’t the closest, and sometimes was the most vocal one against Charles, calling him a robot and interrupting him at important band meetings are just a few examples Toki can name off the top of his head. Maybe he feels bad about it, considering the times Toki does see him, he’s quiet and looks so down. He doesn’t think he’s seen Murderface frown like this before.

Nathan…doesn’t leave his room. In fact, ever since _that_ day Toki has rarely heard or seen the lead singer. A couple weeks after _that_ day, Toki tried to check up on him, but knocking on his door gave no response. He knows someone is taking the food Pickles and various Klokateers leave at his door.

Skwisgaar comes frequently. Skwisgaar also comes drunk frequently. He comes to yell at the band members who are present in the living room. Toki knows Skwisgaar isn’t the best at displaying any other emotion than apathy and has trouble even expressing himself in a way that didn’t involve his guitar, so the only outlet right now seemed to repress his own emotions and get mad when someone (usually Pickles) tries to help. Toki has been on the end of Skwisgaar anger before but any attempts he makes to reach out are met by a sneer from the lead. There’s also now a new weird orange spot on the carpet on the hallway next to the living room, and Toki suspects that it came from the lead guitarist.

When Toki enters the living room proper, there’s some Klokateers working on the floor that used to hold their hot tub. With grief taking its hold on the band; they won’t be using that anytime soon. Pickles is the only band member in the room currently, working away on some paperwork.

“Hi Pickles.”

Pickles looks up, smiles, and gives a nod. Then he goes back to working. Toki takes a spot next to him.

“Is the TVs working?”

“Should be. Murderface used it last night.”

“Do you mind if I- “

“Dude, if I can sleep through someone drilling at the ass crack of dawn, the TVs no problem.”

Toki giggles. Count on Pickles to make him laugh at the little things. He turns on the TV and starts flipping through the channels. He keeps the volume low, not really wanting to watch anything in particular, just something to preoccupy himself. After a couple of minutes, he settles on a channel and just watches whatever comes up (which happens to be a cheesy romantic comedy which makes Toki pull a face of disgust). He’s gotten pretty good at tuning out the construction going on daily in Mordhaus so he can actually make out the cringeworthy dialogue coming from the TV. [There’s some black-haired girl and a ginger who both like this guy but they both also like each other. They keep being, well in Toki’s eyes, really fucking dumb with this stupid love triangle. He doesn’t understand why they can’t talk out like real friends do and stop beating around the bush already.] It’s stupid but Toki doesn’t understand these types of shows anyway. When the show goes to commercial, a familiar voice speaks from the doorway.

“Oh good. You _two_ are here.”

Skwisgaar is leaning against the aforementioned doorway, wobbling in place with a beer in his left hand.

“We live here.”

Pickles and Skwisgaar have fought a lot recently. Pickles’ attempts to reach out has been met with the walls Skwisgaar has put up. It’s been going on for a couple months, and it seems right after the funeral the two have been at odds. Toki can’t help but feel that there’s something else going on between them, but he doesn’t know what.

“You know. If we had someone who was actually trying to be a –”

Skwisgaar cuts himself off with a hiccup as he stumbles into the room proper tripping over himself in the process. He fortunately stops himself before he lands face first onto the floor. Pickles lets out a sigh as Skwisgaar rebalances himself.

“Like I was saying. If we had someone actually trying to be a manager, I wouldn’t have been woken up by drilling for the third weeks in a row.”

“I don’t see you filing any spreadsheets out Skwigelf.”

Skwisgaar’s face scrunches up at the use of his last name. He looks down at Pickles and then looks over at Toki. He points at Toki with a beer bottle.

“Oh, and the little freeloader doesn’t haves to helps?”

“Toki hasn’t been acting like a cock to person trying to pay his bills.”

“I’m n- “

“Also, he is as much of a freeloader as you are. You both live here doing fuck all.”

Pickles turns towards Toki, gaze apologetic.

“No offense by the way.”

“No, it’s fin- “

Before Toki can finish, Skwisgaar throws the beer bottle against the coffee table and Toki jumps off the seat of the couch with a yelp.

“You boths thinks your fuckings betters than mes?”

Since Skwisgaar’s words tend to slur together more when he’s shitfaced; his sentence barely is registered by the two on the couch. Skwisgaar glares and goes to repeat himself when Pickles talks first.

“We don’t. You’re just acting like a baby like usual.”

“What the hells is that supposeds to means?”

“You’re getting mad at everyone else! And we’re just supposed to sit here and take it? I’m not gonna be on the end of you yelling at me again.”

Skwisgaar doesn’t answer, opting to stay silent. Pickles continues.

“I don’t know what the hell you want me to do! I can’t just bring him back from the fucking grave!”

Toki chest aches when Pickles says that. In fact, sensing the tension in the room the Klokateers stop doing construction for a moment. The room falls quiet, only the droning noise of the TV to fill the air. After a few moments of tense silence, Pickles sighs.

“Look. Skwisgaar I-”

Skwisgaar cuts him off instantly.

“You could do a lot more to help if you’re going to act likes hims.”

Toki chest is throbbing. It hurts to breathe. Pickles scrunches up. He’s starting to turn red in anger.

“Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“You heard me. Look at all of us! Yous trying to keeps us together isn’t fuckings workings obviously! I’m drinkings myselfs half to death, Murderface doesn’t talk to anyones, and Toki is just sitting there!”

“At least I’m trying!”

Skwisgaar laughs and throws his head back. Pickles looks like he’s straining himself not to cry. Toki tries to stop Skwisgaar before he goes too far but he can’t move for some reason.

He wishes he did when Skwisgaar says what he says next, venom laced in his voice.

“Nathan isn’t even fucking here Pickle! He’s too busy moping in his fucking room! Maybe _his_ parents were right, this is all-”

“That’s _enough_!”

Something falls to the floor. Toki looks at it. It’s the papers Pickles was working on. Pickles is now standing, and despite his small stature against Skwisgaar’s own height, it’s a little intimidating.

“I know you’re hurt. I’m hurt. We’re all fucking suffering here, but you’re not going throw a tantrum in front of me.”

“Pfft. Why the fuck should I care what a half-baked musician thinks?”

“Please. Without me you wouldn’t even be in this fucking band.”

Pickles pushes on Skwisgaar. He stumbles back a bit from the force, wobbling like he did when he walked in the room.

“Calm the fuck down for a second an- “

Before Pickles can finish his sentence, Skwisgaar regains his footing and pushes Pickles back. The force of the push has Pickles back on the couch. Skwisgaar is now glaring down at Pickles.

“Do you think just because you’re trying to act like him that you can boss me the fuck around?”

“No, I just want you to stop acting like a child.”

“You’re even talking like him!”

Skwisgaar leans down and points at the center of Pickles’ chest.

“Just because you stopped drinking and doing the shit you usually do doesn’t mean you can start fucking taking his place. You’re not better than me.”

Skwisgaar leans in and whispers his final sentence. If Toki was sitting farther away, he wouldn’t be able to hear, but he does. His heart sinks when hears Skwisgaar say:

“You can’t replace him.”

Pickles doesn’t have a reply, he just stays silent. Eyes forward and distant. Skwisgaar takes that opportunity to get up and leave the living room. Toki and Pickles now alone. The only noise that fills the room is the faint noise of a commercial from the TV and shuttered breaths.

They’re coming from Pickles. Toki scoots over next to Pickles and try to offer comfort to his fellow bandmate.

“Pickle?”

Pickles jumps up. Toki sees tears in the man’s eyes.

“Toki? Oh god. I thought you were- “

Pickles hiccups and stutters through his words. Toki stops him from talking by bringing him into a hug.

* * *

After a good hug, Pickles says he has to do work and will finish it in his own room. Toki nods, says goodbye, and the two bandmates part ways and Toki heads towards his room. As soon as he steps inside, he falls flat onto his bed, back up and groans into his sheets.

God what a fucking shit show. He has no idea why he didn’t stop Skwisgaar. Maybe it was to stop even more tension from brewing between members of the band, but god he really fucked that one up. Pickles was left in tears, and Toki just sat there doing nothing. Great bandmate he is.

God his chest hurts. Maybe he needed to sleep. Yeah. Sleep was always good. Toki rolled over on his back and pulled up the blanket from the bottom of his bed. Once he was cozy, he closed his eyes. It wasn’t long before he started to dream a very familiar scene.

* * *

_Toki will never forget the date his life changed forever. June 23 rd, 2000. The date of Dethklok’s new guitarist audition. Toki was sure he wouldn’t be able to even come close to the rumored guitar god’s level of prowess but somehow, he did. Even when he ultimately failed in the end, he was let in the band. He almost hugged Skwisgaar in excitement but was stopped by the blonde with a “no hugs! ams not brutal”. Toki then met the other members of Dethklok (who he also wanted to hug but he didn’t want to test it) who started telling him about a bunch of things he needed to know. He doesn’t remember most of what they said, as he was too giddy with excitement, but they mentioned a manager. Toki knew that all the real band had managers._

_“Shit. Chuck’s gonna have our ass if we’re late with the new guy.”_

_The short one (Pickles) points over to a truck parked right outside the audition place. The four follow Pickles in the car, and Toki sits in the back between Skwisgaar and the guy with the weird haircut (Murderface). Toki silently wonders if all American bands have weird first names like that. The big guy and Pickles sit up front. Pickles looks back at Toki._

_“Toki, right? Sorry it’s tight fit back there.”_

_“It’s fine! I’m just happy to be here with you alls!”_

_Skwisgaar rolls his eyes and Murderface groans. Pickles gives a look to the both of them before he smiles at Toki._

_“Well that’s nice to hear.”_

_He turns back around and talks to the big guy up front. They talk about something before the car starts moving towards what Toki can only assume where the band lives. It’s not a long drive thankfully; Toki hasn’t been in that many cars before, so the motion makes him a little sick and he would’ve hated to throw up on his new friends. When they park, Toki follows the guitarists out of the car, and they make their way up some stairs, and into an apartment with ‘MORDAPT’ graffitied right next to the door._

_Toki’s eyes shine when he enters the apartment. Coffee stains litter the walls, and there’s some unidentifiable stains along with it. Posters and foam are haphazardly littered around the very dark walls of the apartment, and some of them are beginning to fall onto the ground. The only clean part of the main room is the corner with a drum kit and some amps. Mold is seeping into the moist carpet and walls, and if Toki turns his head to the left of the door, it smells like something died. The couch is sinking into the floor, and if Toki shifts slightly to the left, he might sink into the very moist carpet along with it._

_It’s a place no human being should live in. But Toki doesn’t care. This is where his band lived. He would love it if it was a dumpster behind the shittiest restaurant in the world. So what if this place was a massive health violation? It was his band’ home, his friends’ home. It was his home too. The big guy (whose name is Nathan, which Toki finally remembers) beckoned him towards a hallway. Toki follows him, leaving the rest of the band in the living room. Nathan leads him down a hallway and presumably brings him into his room and gestures towards the bed._

_“Uh. Our manager’s gonna. Sort your shit soon so just like wait here. There’s some magazines on the table over there.”_

_Toki goes to sit on the bed when his arm is grabbed, and his body is forcibly pulled back. Toki looks back and meets Nathan’s gaze which looks deadly serious._

_“Just don’t look under the bed. Got it?”_

_“O-o-okay.”_

_And with that. Nathan gives a nod and leaves the room and closes the door behind him. Toki sits on the band and grabs the first magazine he sees. It’s a magazine about the ocean? He didn’t know Nathan liked stuff like that. He flips through the magazine, not reading the words due to them being a jumble of letters in his head, but at least the fish look nice. While he looks at some pretty sea turtles and coral reefs, he hears some commotion in the living room. He puts the magazine down and tries to figure out what’s going on. His English wasn’t the best, but he could pick up the general details through the thin walls of the apartment._

_“I hear you chose a new guitarist?”_

_“Yeuh. He’s in Nathan’s room right now.”_

_“Good. I’ll be right back.”_

_There are some footsteps that start and stop at Nathan’s room. And then the door opens, light from the hallway seeping into the room. The man flips the light switch, and after blinking to adjust to the light, he sees the person who came into the room. He smiles._

_“Hello.”_

_Toki looks up from the floor and at the person who entered the room. The man wasn’t very tall (probably only a little bit taller than Pickles), but he made up for it with his appearance. A freshly pressed suit, with a bright red tie. Hair slicked back without a hair out of place. Finally, glasses rest on his nose, and the squares of glasses match the overall square shape of the man’s head. He looks way too clean to be anywhere near the biohazard of a living space. That’s probably the manager._

_“The boys said your name was Toki. Am I saying that correctly?”_

_Toki nods. The man gives a small smile and sits down next to Toki. He puts his hand out and Toki takes it._

_“I’m Charles Offdensen. I’m Dethklok’s manager. And, as of today, your manager as well.”_

_He shakes Toki’s hand. His grip is strong and firm. It’s comforting in its own special way. After the handshake, Charles turns and grabs something._

_“Ah. Here.”_

_Charles hands him a greasy paper bag. Toki cocks his head at it._

_“It’s some dinner. The boys told me you haven’t eaten anything in a while. I’m sorry I couldn’t get anything else this late.”_

_Toki takes the bag and peers inside it. There’s a burger and some soggy looking fries. There’s also some grease stained napkins and some various sauce packets. There’s also something that is gently placed beside him, which is a bottle of water._

_“I also brought some water. God knows you shouldn’t be drinking that sugary garbage. But knowing the boys they’ll-”_

_“This. It’s alls fors mes?”_

_Charles stops talking. He looks down at the small boy clutching the bag of fast food as if his life depended on it. He then looks at Toki directly, and his face softens as he smiles._

_“Of course, it is. I’m your manager now Toki. I’ll do anything you need me to do.”_

_Toki doesn’t reply, nodding instead in reply instead. He doesn’t know how to deal with that. Back in Norway, he had to do everything for himself and if he asked for help his parents would punish him for looking their way. Someone actually being kind to him, made his chest ache for some reason. But it wasn’t pain. Weird. As Toki is in his own thoughts, Charles then pulls out some papers from his suit jacket._

_“While you eat, we do need to fill out some information about you. Standard stuff. Just for insurance. Nothing you will need to concern yourself with.”_

_As Charles drones with his prepared speech, Toki unwraps the burger from the bag and starts eating it. It’s the first real meal he’s had in weeks and he melts as he bites into the artificial cheese and meat. Charles smiles again and lets out a light chuckle._

_“Good?”_

_“Yes! Thanks you agains!”_

_Charles turns back to his paper. Toki continues to eat as Charles asks rapid fire questions._

_“Full name?”_

_“Toki Wartooth!”_

_“Where are you from?”_

_“Norways!”_

_“Age?”_

_“Ims sixteens!”_

_That gives Charles a pause. Toki is done with his burger at this point. He tore through that thing, but in his defense, he was very hungry. He starts on his fries when Charles speaks again, confusion laced in his voice._

_“S-sixteen?”_

_“Yep! I turn seventeens soon!”_

_He was almost an adult, which he was very proud of. Charles, on the other hand, looked angry? Was it a bad thing that he was so young? Would he not get that insurance thing Charles mentioned? Before Toki could say anything else, Charles spoke, his voice tense._

_“We’ll need to get a new place immediately. I’m not having a child live in this filth.”_

_“Um. Mr. Offdensens?”_

_“Seriously. Couldn’t they have the common decency to treat a teenager a little bit better? Not even bringing you out for dinner. Am I really the only adult around here?”_

_“Um. Mister?”_

_“I swear to god. It’s like they only care about themselves. What are they going to do when I’m not here?”_

_“Um. Mister Offdensens!”_

_Toki pulls on Charles’s suit jacket sleeve. That gets Charles’ attention from his rambling and he stops, looking at Toki. Toki is nervous. He doesn’t want to make Charles upset, but on the other hand he doesn’t want his manager running around just to help some stupid kid._

_“Did you say something?”_

_“Uh. I’m fine being here, I don’t want you to-”_

_“Toki.”_

_Charles cuts Toki off. Toki’s hands are removed from the bag and held by Charles’ firm grip._

_“I don’t know much about you yet, and I don’t what happened before you came to America, but I want you to know that I will move heaven and Earth for you if you needed something. That is my job. You deserve better Toki, especially for someone of your age.”_

_Toki’s never had parents. Well, he did but they weren’t really great people to him. The scars and bruises littering his back prove it. He’s not used to this type of love. The love and compassion one would receive from a loving parent. Distantly, Toki thinks, Charles would make a good dad. The emotions Toki feels for being shown love causes him to cry. Charles lets go of his hands and goes to pull out a tissue from his pocket (he sure had a lot of things in that suit). Once he goes to wipe at Toki’s face, Toki stops him with a broken sob._

_“I. I needs somethings thens.”_

_“Yes?”_

_He doesn’t have an outlet yet to process his trauma or someone to talk to. But this is a good first step in that direction Toki thinks._

_“Can I haves a hug?”_

_Charles nods, wrapping his arms around the Norwegian, and rubbing his back slowly. Toki’s wet tears stain Charles’ suit jacket. Before he can chastise himself for ruining something else, Toki speaks in a soft whisper._

_“Do you promise to always be heres for mes?”_

_“Of course, Toki. I promise.”_

__

* * *

Toki wakes up crying. He covers his eyes and sobs, wishing for first person to ever show him love in his entire life.

* * *

When Toki eventually leaves his room, it’s two in the morning. He’s hungry and makes his way over to the kitchen. He’s surprised to find Pickles in the kitchen. He seems to be making dinner for himself, chopping up something to put into a sizzling pan. The room smells really good, and Toki makes his way over to the counter where Pickles is. As he gets closer, he hears Pickles humming something. It doesn’t sound familiar to him, but it still sounds nice. Toki stands on the opposite side of the counter, and Pickles so engrossed in his cooking doesn’t see him.

“What are you singing?”

Pickles yelps and drops his knife. Thankfully, it doesn’t fall to the floor and just clatters against the steel countertop.

“Jesus fucking Christ! Don’t scare me like that!”

Toki frowns and mumbles a sorry. Pickles picks up his knife and gets back to cutting.

“What are you doing up this late?”

“I woke up from my nap. Um. Why are _you_ up this late?”

“Work. No wonder Chuck had those bags under his eyes. This shit takes a lot of you.”

“Well at least it’s done right?”

Pickles sighs. Upon closer inspection, he seems to be cutting some sort of vegetable.

“There’s still so much to do. I have no idea how he did it all.”

The tone in Pickles’ voice implies guilt, probably stemming from the band’s lack of appreciation for Charles’ ability to keep the band from falling apart like a house of cards. And since Pickles has experienced the work Charles did firsthand, Toki think the guilt is heavier since he now has an idea of what the manager went through. Before Toki can think about it anymore, he’s brought back to reality by a bowl being placed on the counter.

“Want some really fucking early breakfast?”

“Oh! Yeah!”

Toki’s stomach growls at the mention of food. Pickles smiles.

“Alright pull up a seat. It’ll be ready real soon.”

Toki pulls one of the stools over near the kitchen counter. When he sits, he sees some eggs. Pickles is apparently making omelets.

“I didn’ts know you could cook.”

“Ah yeah. Parents kinda forgot to feed me somedays. Learned through some shitty magazines my mom had,” Pickles cracks some eggs into a bowl and starts whisking, “Used to cook for Dethklok when we were back in that shithole but after we moved here never really had a reason too.”

“Well. I hope you’re still good at its. I’m starving.”

“Okay whiny, it’ll be done soon, so sit tight.”

Pickles goes back to making the food. The two are in silence for a little while, the only thing filling the silence is the sound of Pickles preparing food and a clock ticking in the background. Toki bites his lip. He feels conflicted. The band had this…agreement to not about their feelings. Obviously, this caused them to all bottle up their feelings and caused the very tense situation between them all if they even dare mentioned the manager. But Pickles was acting different. Pickles was usually drunk, high, or both, so he was usually too drunk or high off his ass to give a shit about his own problems. Toki thinks this is intentional as Pickles and him share a complicated relationship with their family, so it’s most likely his own coping mechanism. Despite that, Pickles has always been there for the band lending ear to those who need it, jokingly being called the band mom by Nathan (though if that was the case, Nathan would be their dad). And now? Pickles has really been pushing more than ever to be the moral center of the band. Toki hasn’t seen Pickles drink or do any drugs in months. Pickles also has been actually talking about things that he would usually call “fucking gay”. Right now, Pickles was wearing his heart on his sleeve, or at least was putting up a damn good act of it.

It wouldn’t hurt to ask right how he was doing? Right? Toki steels his nerves and as Pickles starts to chop a tomato, he speaks.

“Hey. Um. Are you doing okays?”

“God, no. I feel like I’m gonna pass out from exh-”

“No. I mean with Skwisgaar.”

Pickles stops. He doesn’t meet Toki’s questioning gaze. He sighs and starts chopping again.

“No. I’m not. This isn’t the first time he’s been like this but. I’m not going to dwell on it.”

“Did Skwisgaar mean all of that? What he said to you?”

“Maybe. Probably not. He’s just angry.”

“But. What he did wasn’t right.”

Pickles doesn’t answer that and continues to chop a tomato. Toki looks down and starts fidgeting with his hands. He has a million questions he needs answers to, but he doesn’t know where to start. He knows Pickles isn’t telling him everything, for whatever reason, and he doesn’t want to push Pickles too far. Heart to hearts still seem too hard for everyone in Dethklok. And in Pickles’ case, he might not want people to worry even more than they already do. Toki steers the conversation into a new topic: a dangerous one.

“Is Nathan-”

“Don’t. He’s fine.”

Sore subject as expected. Nathan and Pickles were the closest in the band. After Nathan’s seclusion after the incident at the funeral, Pickles seemed to tense up at the mention of the lead singer. Maybe something happened between the two? He really wants to know. He wants to help Pickles. Wherever Charles is (probably heaven Toki thinks, Charles was an angel in his eyes), he would like to see him act better, right?

“I’m worried about him.”

“We all are. Just. Drop it please.”

Toki gripped the counter, knuckles white. Chest aching in pain.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?”

“Toki, I don’t want to upset you.”

“Well I’m already upset okay!”

There he got it out. The pain in his chest goes away for a second, finally let out his emotions for once. When Pickles doesn’t say anything, Toki continues.

“I’m miserable! I hate not knowing what my brothers are feelings! You guys keep not talking about it, and then we start fighting! I hate it! And you won’t tell me anything so I can try and help you!”

Toki puts his head in his hands. He begins to sob. His chest feels lighter. Maybe talking was helping.

“I’m not a fuckings kid okay. I. I know he’s gone. He’s not coming back. You don’t have to pretend he isn’t gone. Just. Let me help you like you do.”

Toki let out a shuddering breath he didn’t know he was holding. The clock in the kitchen continued to tick in the bathroom. He lifted met Pickles’ gaze through his tears. He wasn’t surprised to see Pickles’ tearing up too. After another beat of silence, Pickles goes to wipe his eyes with a napkin, and hands one to Toki to do the same. After Toki wipes his eyes, Pickles speaks.

“I’m sorry.”

“No don’t-”

Pickles puts his hand up.

“Let me finish okay?”

Toki nods. Pickles puts his hand down and finishes his previous task of chopping the tomato.

“I. Well. How do I put this? Me and Chuck have history with each other. We’ve known each other before…well I got into the industry I guess.”

“Even before Snakes n’ Barrels?”

“Yeah. We go _waaaay_ back.”

That’s new. Pickles is very private with his own personal life, which probably stems from his terrible childhood caused by his very awful family. But if Charles and Pickles knew each other before Dethklok, before Snakes n’ Barrels, no wonder Pickles was trying to be like Charles. That’s a long damn time (Toki doesn’t know how old Pickles is but he guesses he’s in his mid-forties), and seeing your best friend die in front of you would make you try to remember him anyway you can. Pickles turned on the oven and poured some stuff onto a pan and begins to pour the eggs.

“I just felt an obligation to take his place, you know? Repay him for everything he’s done. Dethklok and everything else,” Pickles grabs a spatula and begins to move the eggs around in the pan, “I guess I got caught up in all of it and never tried to address it because I didn’t want to make it worse.”

His voice is distant, like Pickles is remembering something special. Like he’s remembering a very important person. Pickles smiles and looks at Toki.

“I miss him too you know. We all do. But we’re bad at shit like this you know?”

Pickles begins to put some other things in the eggs sizzling on the pan. Toki puts his hands on the counter and begins to fidget with them.

“I just feel like. I would be better if we were Dethklok again. Like. Back to normals.”

“Back to normal huh?”

“Yeah. I knows its wishful thinkings but I just wants us to talk about everything and go backs to being a metal bands. Being our normal selves.”

Pickles lets out a ‘hmm’ as he continues to cook. It smells really good and Toki stomach growls involuntary.

“Well I hate to break it to you like now, but we are not normal people.”

“You know what I meant.”

The two stare at each other. Then they break out into delirious giggles. Toki tries to stop himself from snorting, but it eventually comes out. When was the last time he laughed like this? He doesn’t remember. After the two calm down, Pickles turns off the stove and goes to grab some plates. When comes back with them, he hands Toki one.

“Listen grief’s hard you know? Needs time. Patience. Something we don’t have.”

Toki takes the plate and nods. He’s then handed a fork and knife.

“I want things to go back to normal too. Hanging out with my pals like old times, but we aren’t going to be the same after this. And, I think that’s for the best.”

“What do you means?”

“Well,” Pickles starts to serve himself on his own plate, “What good would come from us acting like nothing happened? We gotta act different. Be better. Remember him. Shit like that.”

Pickles finishes his plate and leans over the counter to serve Toki. His hands are shaking

“I’m not good at this speech shit. More of Nathan’s thing. But I think we need time to process this all, and we need to not rush it. You saw what happened with Skwisgaar. No good comes from trying to suppress all that shit. You just let it out on the wrong people.”

Pickles puts the pan back on the stove. He goes to take a bite of his omelet but pauses, fork in his hand

“Things change. People change. And. That’s okay. We’re not ever gonna fully heal y’know? We’re still gonna be Dethklok. I’m still Pickles. You’re still Toki. And guess what? We’re both fucked the hell up and that’s okay,” Pickles grabs Toki’s hand and squeezes, “We got each other in this fucked up family alright? We’ll make it through this.”

Pickles shoves a bite of his omelet into his mouth. He smirks.

“Still got it.”

Toki smiles. He finally got Pickles to open up to him, and a huge weight is lifted off his chest, physically and emotionally. He begins to dig into his own omelet, and _holy shit_ Pickles was good at cooking.

“Thank you Pickle.”

“I knew I still got it!”

“No, I mean with the talkings. But um, your cooking is amazing!”

Pickles smiles at the compliment and squeezes Toki’s hand again.

“Hey. Anytime Toki. I’m here if you need it.”

It felt good to finally just talk about what was happening. Wanting to go back to normal wasn’t bad. It was just a part of the healing process. It felt so obvious now, but Toki just needed someone going through what he was going through as well.

Speaking of.

Pickles didn’t real talk that in-depth about his issues, did he? Toki squeezes Pickles’ hand. Pickles stops mid bite and looks up at Toki.

“Do you need to talks still? About him?”

Pickles sighs and shakes his head.

“You don’t gotta worry about me Toki. I’m all cried out.”

“Pickle- “

“Trust me. You don’t gotta worry about me. I’m fine.”

Toki thinks, no, _knows_ Pickles is lying to him. After that real close discussion, they just had why would he still be secretive? Though then again, Pickles has a deeper connection to Charles than anyone else in the band does so maybe it’s a different situation than Toki is in. He wouldn’t even know where to start on how to help a person cope with someone who just lost someone extremely close to them

So, Toki lets it be. For now. But he wants to let Pickles know he’s there. Whenever the time may come to have another talk. When he’s ready like Toki was. Toki squeezes his hand again.

“I’m here for you too okay?”

Pickles smiles and squeezes back. Baby steps, Toki thinks.

“I know. Now come on and eat okay?”

* * *

After eating, Toki leads Pickles back to his room, insisting that he needs sleeps and if he didn’t sleep, he would be sure to get him. Pickles laughs at Toki gives the meanest stare he can muster. Promising that he would sleep gets a hug from Toki, which Pickles accepts graciously. The two-part ways for the second time today (or maybe with how late it actually was, the first time today), and Toki makes his way to his own room, feeling refreshed and happy. Maybe it was all going to be okay, he thought as he settled into his bed. Maybe all the band needed was that. A good talk, and an omelet. Toki smiles as he thinks about how much he loves his bandmates, his brothers, his _family_ , and how they all deserve better.

With that last thought in his mind, he falls asleep. Belly full and his chest ache gone. For the first time in months, he falls asleep peacefully.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me @ pikaflute on twitter and tumblr where i am talking about charles all day everyday and shitting my pants over an album called the prophecy. also listen to black swan on the over the top album it makes me go aaaa crazy


End file.
